Living in the Tension

Sadness is one of those things that walks through the door and gets itself all comfy. There are a lot of things going on in the world right now, between wars and genocides, between economic collapse and scarcity of basic needs, and of course always the children without families who can love and support them, those on the streets and those in the orphanages, those in foster care and those in residential treatment centers, some with special needs, some perfectly healthy and stable.

But as much as those things are always a source of sadness, there are many things that are also a source of joy--the children with special needs being adopted from orphanages where they would have spent their lives confined to a bed. The family that won a prize for new insulated windows in a year that the winter is going to be hard, heating fuel is high cost, and they just dropped to one income due to layoffs--so new windows will help them immensely in the way it will reduce their heat bill.

Life is a balance, a "holding in the tension" between the two ends. I can't remember who said it but I heard a Sermon at Gordon College a number of years ago regarding that holding in the tension idea. That all of life, all the things we experience directly or indirectly, can swing from one of of a spectrum to another, from fear to security, from hate to love, from despair to hope, for sadness to joy... We live in the tension between the two extremes. Get too close to one extreme--focus only on one end of the spectrum and life is out of balance. Focus too much on all the great things can lead us to forgetting the role we have to play in helping combat and help the difficult situations, focusing too much on the difficulties, blinds us to see the hope and the joy that awaits and is possible once we address some issues.

Some period of time life feels like is it just going too fast. These past few years have been in some ways very stable and very focused, heading in a straight line for me. The goal of beginning a family. The joys and sorrows, the pains and the amazement all rolled into one. From the still raw pain that exists from losing R to the the great joy of celebrating G's adoption and baptism. From the fear and financial bombshell that J's arrival and subsequent major medical issues exploded in our lives, to the amazing adventure of watching him join in a group of other 2 year olds and figure out how to do what they do even with his physical challenges.

Right now I am trying to find the right level of "tension" that will keep things in balance. Without being too specific, there are a couple of issues in my life right now that are very challenging. The primary issue, for me at least, it may seem secondary to some, but to me, if you have this, all else can be worked with--HONESTY. There is no way to work through issues, even really big issues, unless people can be honest with each other. And as we all learned at some point as children, when you tell one lie, you end up having to tell others to try to make the one lie believable, until the house of cards just collapses. Which is why, hopefully, most of us as adults keep it real, speak the truth, and deal with the consequences of the initial blunder quickly, as the more layers that are added, the more damage is done.

When you love someone--be they a parent, a child, a spouse, a partner, a sibling, a friend--whomever it is, being honest when something is wrong, when you have made a bad choice, when you may need help is vitally important. When someone loves you they do not automatically walk away if you make a mistake, or even consciously make a bad choice, even if you make that bad choice a few times. But if we all can be honest and upfront, especially when confront in love and without judgement, of the issue, steps toward resolution can be made. Steps towards healing--both of the individual and of the relationship--can happen. Without that honesty, the layers continue to thicken, and trust gets broken, and the basic foundation of a relationship is eroded away.

So right now I am living in the tension, with obvious evidence that someone I love has made a choice that is not good for them (or those they love), and when carefully hinted at, go dismissed. When directly addressed in a careful and loving manner, was denied. But the evidence that this is ongoing and that honest gets further away is mounting. How do you balance the love you have for someone against your own need to be able to trust that they will speak the truth to you? Hoe do you balance caring for someone and knowing that what they are doing is hurting them as well as you? How do you balance that no matter how things turn out in the end, there are children who may have their lives disrupted? How do you hold the tension that no matter which way things move, there is a risk to the well being of everyone involved. How long can the current status quo be the status quo? And when is the right time to take action?

Ah, if only life were easy, cut and dry. If only things were mono-layer, decisions would be so much easier. But every decision, both on my part and the part of the other person has a ripple effect. "No man is an island unto himself" I suppose. That becomes so much more evident when there are children. Every decision you make effects them directly and indirectly.

If anyone even reads this blog, your prayers/positive, clarifying thoughts are requested for this situation (which I know is vague on here, for now).