Saturday, January 3, 2009

Life keeps going on

Ya know, as I read news stories on-line or listen to them on the radio(we don't have cable right now, can't afford such an un-necessary luxury (though my other half does not think it is un-necessary or a luxury), I sometimes am just surprised at how life just keeps going on. I read other people's blogs, talk to family and friends, and hear about the good the bad and ugly, the wondrous, the terrible, and the awe inspiring, the mundane, everyday, and ordinary miracles that day by day go on in our lives. And I am just struck by the fact that life just keeps going on. This week people in my life are experiencing so many different things--a loved one who is dying; a niece getting married; an ill and medically impossible (?!) child who survives another day with a smile on her face; sending condolences to a family that lost their toddler to a lung infection right before Christmas; my own child who was projected to never be able to roll over is asking repeatedly to be put in his new gait trainer so he can walk, then the yells "weeeee, I run...."; going back to work after the holidays and having to leave the kids at their respective schools/programs, etc...

Life really just goes on through it all. My other half may have started drinking again--not a good thing for someone who is in recovery and has done so well managing so many stresses. But alas I smell the alcohol and listen to any attempts I make to address it to be covered over by lies. I am thankful that I have not had to struggle with addiction, but at the same time it makes it that much harder for me to understand.

But sales are picking back up at least this week, and my other half is soaring with the ability to bring in good money, even momentarily. SO perhaps this relapse will be short lived, a product of the stressed economy, and as the economy comes back, perhaps a sense of wanting to do what is best will return to the other half as well. For now I just hold on, count my blessings, pray to God for patience and compassion, and hope that I can make the right decisions at the right time...

Life just keeps going on...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Living in the Tension

Sadness is one of those things that walks through the door and gets itself all comfy. There are a lot of things going on in the world right now, between wars and genocides, between economic collapse and scarcity of basic needs, and of course always the children without families who can love and support them, those on the streets and those in the orphanages, those in foster care and those in residential treatment centers, some with special needs, some perfectly healthy and stable.

But as much as those things are always a source of sadness, there are many things that are also a source of joy--the children with special needs being adopted from orphanages where they would have spent their lives confined to a bed. The family that won a prize for new insulated windows in a year that the winter is going to be hard, heating fuel is high cost, and they just dropped to one income due to layoffs--so new windows will help them immensely in the way it will reduce their heat bill.

Life is a balance, a "holding in the tension" between the two ends. I can't remember who said it but I heard a Sermon at Gordon College a number of years ago regarding that holding in the tension idea. That all of life, all the things we experience directly or indirectly, can swing from one of of a spectrum to another, from fear to security, from hate to love, from despair to hope, for sadness to joy... We live in the tension between the two extremes. Get too close to one extreme--focus only on one end of the spectrum and life is out of balance. Focus too much on all the great things can lead us to forgetting the role we have to play in helping combat and help the difficult situations, focusing too much on the difficulties, blinds us to see the hope and the joy that awaits and is possible once we address some issues.

Some period of time life feels like is it just going too fast. These past few years have been in some ways very stable and very focused, heading in a straight line for me. The goal of beginning a family. The joys and sorrows, the pains and the amazement all rolled into one. From the still raw pain that exists from losing R to the the great joy of celebrating G's adoption and baptism. From the fear and financial bombshell that J's arrival and subsequent major medical issues exploded in our lives, to the amazing adventure of watching him join in a group of other 2 year olds and figure out how to do what they do even with his physical challenges.

Right now I am trying to find the right level of "tension" that will keep things in balance. Without being too specific, there are a couple of issues in my life right now that are very challenging. The primary issue, for me at least, it may seem secondary to some, but to me, if you have this, all else can be worked with--HONESTY. There is no way to work through issues, even really big issues, unless people can be honest with each other. And as we all learned at some point as children, when you tell one lie, you end up having to tell others to try to make the one lie believable, until the house of cards just collapses. Which is why, hopefully, most of us as adults keep it real, speak the truth, and deal with the consequences of the initial blunder quickly, as the more layers that are added, the more damage is done.

When you love someone--be they a parent, a child, a spouse, a partner, a sibling, a friend--whomever it is, being honest when something is wrong, when you have made a bad choice, when you may need help is vitally important. When someone loves you they do not automatically walk away if you make a mistake, or even consciously make a bad choice, even if you make that bad choice a few times. But if we all can be honest and upfront, especially when confront in love and without judgement, of the issue, steps toward resolution can be made. Steps towards healing--both of the individual and of the relationship--can happen. Without that honesty, the layers continue to thicken, and trust gets broken, and the basic foundation of a relationship is eroded away.

So right now I am living in the tension, with obvious evidence that someone I love has made a choice that is not good for them (or those they love), and when carefully hinted at, go dismissed. When directly addressed in a careful and loving manner, was denied. But the evidence that this is ongoing and that honest gets further away is mounting. How do you balance the love you have for someone against your own need to be able to trust that they will speak the truth to you? Hoe do you balance caring for someone and knowing that what they are doing is hurting them as well as you? How do you balance that no matter how things turn out in the end, there are children who may have their lives disrupted? How do you hold the tension that no matter which way things move, there is a risk to the well being of everyone involved. How long can the current status quo be the status quo? And when is the right time to take action?

Ah, if only life were easy, cut and dry. If only things were mono-layer, decisions would be so much easier. But every decision, both on my part and the part of the other person has a ripple effect. "No man is an island unto himself" I suppose. That becomes so much more evident when there are children. Every decision you make effects them directly and indirectly.

If anyone even reads this blog, your prayers/positive, clarifying thoughts are requested for this situation (which I know is vague on here, for now).

The beginning of a Journey

That well used phase (or old cliche as some might say) that every journey starts with the first step is apropos to this blog. I have often considered using a blog as both a way to share my mental meandering with the world and as a cathartic remedy at the end of the day, akin to journaling though with better grammar and a wee bit less raw emotion or blatantly revealing truths. So today, tonight actually, I have take that proverbial first step into the wide open world of blogging.

And now I have a sudden bit of writers block, or maybe it is cold feet..."do I really have anything to say that anyone else would want to read?...My life is really not that exciting right now (thank God, as I could really use a break of semi-normalcy)...Do I really want to share my inner thoughts?...Do I even want to share my mundane and outer thoughts? Who would have thought!" But figuring out what others want to read is not really the point of this blog is it? It is to be a record of my mental meanderings, and if others want to meander along with me, that is their choice. So hurray to FREEDOM from worrying about what others think.

I have these 2 dogs, C, a big dog (st Bernard, lab, sheep dog mix--still only a pup of 8 months but already over 50 lbs) and N, this tiny dog (mini dachshund, shitzhu, terrier mix who has topped out at 9 lbs at 3 years old). Well, the two are quite a pair. N rules the roost of course, is a bit high strung, has an adventurous streak, can be a bit sneaky, and has a knack for finding (or digging) any little hole under (or through) the back fence, and wandering the neighborhood. C is the most obedient, gentle, kind, and laid back dog I have ever met, who would rather hang out in the unfinished basement which opens to the backyard than in the house if no one is home, and has never once even tried to get out of the fenced in back yard.

I love both of them dearly, but they both have their quirks that drive me nuts. N's big thing is the sneaking out of the fence, and when she is mad about something (usually having been scolded for getting out), she will poop on the only wall to wall carpet in the house, directly under the baby's crib (can 2 still be considered a baby..?). Since I have gone back to work, she is doing this more often, creating a major annoyance at the end of a long day when I'd love to just relax with my family (as well as having to make dinner, do the dishes, push through the laundry, clean up the living room, sort the mail, feed the fish, brush the cat, figure out which bill needs to be paid most urgently so that the light/heat/phone/cable/Internet does not get shut off (well, we don't have to worry about cable anymore, sigh), and of course find some time to nurture myself--like the outlet of a blog to help process and purge the thoughts of the day...). C's quirk is even more challenging though for me. Her one big thing is that she does not think that sleeping inside in a large crate all night is a very good idea. She goes in fine at night and goes to sleep, and even during the day she will go in and take a snooze or even just go in to chew on her squeaky toy. But at some point in the night (sometimes as early as mid-night or as late as 6:00am--but usually around 2:30am), she decides that she is done sleeping and she wants to go play in the basement or outside. So she will bark incessantly until I come down and put her out through the basement. Granted we did set up a nice room in the basement for the dogs complete with an old easy chair and our old recliner that would not recline anymore (thanks to a certain 5 year old who decided to use it as a trampoline with a spring board (foot rest part)) and the big 5 x 7 area rug that used to be in the dining room, and she has open access to the back yard from there, but 3:00 in the morning!?!?! Every Night!!!! You've got to be kidding me!!!

So, you may wonder, why do I crawl out of bed, stagger down the stairs and put C out (of course having to make sure N (who shares the big crate with her) does not go out as she will go wandering all over the neighborhood if she thinks no one is watching her) in the middle of the night?!?!?! Why not just let her bark it out a few nights and so that she can learn that this is not something I WANT to do for her. Well, those 2 sleeping little boys don't sleep through the dog's barking if I let it go too long. J finally started sleeping through the night (well, at least not needing me to get up with him in the middle of the night, he still wakes up at least once a night and turns on his crib toy or chats with this stuffed animal in middle of the night, but I only occasionally (like 1-2 nights a week) have to get up with him). If J hears the dog barking though, he gets scared and then I am up with him for at least 30 minutes, usually more like 1-2 hours, as he then decides he needs a drink and its time to play. I have also toyed with the idea of not putting C in the crate or at least not locking the door to the crate and letting her have free roaming of the house at night, but alas G gets scared if you shut his bedroom door, and the big dog goes in and licks his face (hence waking him up) if she is not in her crate. So why not just leave her in the basement at night, well, I have thought of that, and this summer there were times when I did do that so that I could have a chance at a full nights sleep (after 3 years with being up every night with first one son then the other, and now the dog, the body and brain get tired). But during summer I could leave the basement door open all night. It is wintry now (not quite winter, but hey, cold, snow on the ground, that is wintry enough for me) and I need to shut the basement door at night at least or I am wasting a lot of heat. And she does not like just hanging out in the basement as she will bark down there until I let her out.

So, if I want to get an almost full nights sleep, with as few interruptions as possible that are also as short as possible, I got through the process of crating the dogs at night and closing the basement door. Then going upstairs to bed. Then coming downstairs to let the barking dog out, and now going into the basement to open the basement door, and then all the way back up stairs to crawl into bed and hope the boys don't wake up. Who needs a StairMaster with all of these up and down trips in the wee hours of night?...no wonder my knees hurt!

So, yeah, not exactly exciting stuff, just meandering about the crazy midnight adventures of some of the fuzzy members of my household, and reminding myself why I let it continue. Check back for more wandering through the meandering paths of my inner and outer world (well, tonight was really about the outer...).-Alabaster Camel